Just Say No
“Say no out of strength, instead of yes out of weakness”
As the mother of an 18-month-old who is actively exploring the world, there is one word I use frequently these days: “No.” He has a limited vocabulary right now, but Victor Steven can mimic back to me, “No, No, No,” because he hears it so often. I don’t like saying it to him, but I have to because he needs to learn boundaries and what’s safe.
Interestingly, one of the biggest challenges many of my coaching clients have is the fear of saying no. For a variety of reasons, they feel unable to, or are scared of denying the requests of their manager or colleagues. As a result, they feel overwhelmed and unable to regulate their workload.
As children, we’re taught to obey. So we grow up believing that we don’t have the power to say no to those in authority. And as adults, we intrinsically understand the need to belong in society. So we try to avoid conflict and please others by agreeing to requests—even to our detriment. These patterns follow us into the workplace and can undermine our success and happiness.
If you find yourself in this trap of feeling unable to say no, it’s important to first examine why you feel this way. Are you scared of repercussions? Are you a people pleaser? Is your self-worth tied to how much you can take on?
Start asking yourself why you can’t say no. Keep asking until you get to the root, which is probably a subconscious belief you’ve carried with you for many years. Once you address this underlying cause, saying no will become much easier.
There’s a fantastic quote I came across that advises, “Say No out of Strength, not Yes out of weakness.” If you’re coming from a place of weakness, then you’ll almost always agree to things that may help others, but not yourself. If you’re coming from a place of strength, then you’ll be able to help yourself and others. By prioritizing yourself and your wellbeing, you’ll actually be able to help others more.
Steve Jobs once observed, “It’s only by saying no that you can concentrate on the things that are really important.” If you say yes to everything, then you can’t concentrate or prioritize the things that truly matter for your success and the success of those around you. So first you need to determine what are those handful of things that are worthy of your concentration and prioritization. Then you can learn how to say no in a way that builds relationships instead of leading to guilt or resentment.
If you need some help determining when to say no, coaching company BetterUp has a list of questions to ask yourself to determine whether saying yes or no would be most beneficial for you.
My favorite question on the list is “What would need to change about this opportunity to make it a “yes”? This is the type of coaching question I’ve asked clients to help them create a scenario where they can be at their best and help their organization.
If you decide to deny a request, there are ways to say no that will help strengthen the relationship instead of weakening it. Crucial Conversations author Joseph Grenny offers some advice: Share the reasoning behind your decision so the other person can understand your perspective. Acknowledge the tradeoffs of your decision and the impact it could have. Be confident, but humble; this shows that you’ve made your decision, but you’re not a jerk about it. Ask for permission to say no if it’s a request from a person in authority.
If you need help saying no in a way that is humble and empathetic, check out this list. The key is to be clear with the other person why you can’t agree to their request. It’s not always your responsibility to help them find an alternative solution, but if you can, it will help strengthen their trust.
While my son Victor Steven may be hearing “no” a lot these days, I intend to help him step into his own power and learn to say “no” in a way that helps him be his best. He’ll learn that saying no comes from a place of strength, not weakness.
Work happy. Live happy. BE happy.
Meredith
The way we work and build teams is rapidly changing. Leaders often feel unprepared to navigate the transition. As a conscious leadership coach, consultant, and communicator, Meredith helps leaders and their teams create new ways of working and relating so they can prepare for the future by consciously co-creating it.
Contact her to develop your conscious leadership and transform your organization into the workplace of the future.
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Love the opening about your toddler. Interesting how the practice of saying no slips away, especially when as young ones we are told no so often, have role models practicing it, and see it’s value (prevents harm).